The Crutch

It was a huge mistake

to lean on the crutch that was thrown at me

the moment my world shattered.



And when that crutch was taken away out of the blue

I fell so hard that the ground shook and nothing made sense anymore.

The crutch had already grown as a limb,

as part of me.

Facing the Past

Had a rough couple of days.

Couldn't heal myself quickly enough this time.

Been denying myself.

Belittling myself.

Quite pathetic actually.

Drown in agonized memories.



Faced some past-time friends.

Those that became unfortunately awkard.

Made amends and apologised.

No one actually held a grudge that long, surprisingly.

May not be as close anymore,

but the small chats were pleasant.

Reminds us of why we got along so well at some points in life.



One of them was P.

This was actually something quite new.

I've never been able to really talk to an ex like this before.

Without passion. Just really good friends that are used to each other.

I sound like an old mumbling hag though.

Maybe the shrinks were right.

By forgiving someone in the past, you also forgive yourself.

Band aids

生物總是有活下去的本能

想方設法地為自己止血

後來發現

也許只有勇敢面對

面對自己在一切不幸中也該負的責任

請求寬恕

而不是一味自怨自艾

才有機會接受事實

從一連串的失敗當中走出來

讓自己被珍愛的事物包圍吧

慢慢地

會漸漸好起來的吧？

Agony

Walked about everyday life as normally as possible

leaving a trail of blood behind me as I moved

trickling down from my face my chest between my legs

warm gushing blood that no one's meant to notice.

放下了張TT

沒長成張笑笑

倒是和梁笑笑有了幾分神似。

分手不可怕

失去一個不愛自己的人不可惜

可悲的是失去了愛人的能力

一切變得這麼的漠然

The damage is too great this time.

完。

時至今日

終於可以勇敢而確定地說

我真的不愛你了 廷

走過了混亂的一切

或許只是在給我更堅定的信心

我們一點 都不適合。

昨日的神傷

是最後最後對我們這六年的緬懷

經過了半年

我想 已經很夠了

而我也終於能夠不帶任何情緒

誠實地祝福你

慶幸這輩子

我們不必再折磨彼此了。



而狼

我不懂為什麼被你傷得這麼深

依舊無法放下你

或許是期望太高

時間不夠久吧

不夠沖刷你在我身上留下的印記

一方面希望你已痛改前非

一方面又自私的希望你永無法忘懷

所以我還無法衷心祝福

給我點時間

讓我重新戀愛

放下對你的各種留戀

這次的對象 是我自己。

倒數第二

破天荒地

半個基督徒今天跑了趟霞海

煙燻得頭暈暈嗆嗆的

跑著不熟悉的程序

連香都不太會點

就這樣狼狽地絕望地乞求

想一斬此生一切緣分；

卻不被廟方允許

或許看我年輕

或許不符道規

但已不期望好姻緣

只求內心平靜

寧可終生獨處

也不願再一次次心殤

在舊傷上增添無數慘不忍睹的傷口

經歷那靈魂撕裂般的痛

畢竟這傷已經巨大到無人承受得起

無人能懂

連我也不能。

P.S. 鹿今日大喜由衷祝福，近日唯一值得慶賀的事。

What a blow

Ouch.

That really, really hurts.

But an interesting and brutal experience

...of why you should never EVER trust a man

that couldn't make up his own god-damn mind.



He could be here a minute ago pouring his heart out to you,

for a total six hours

to the extent that you almost forgave him.

Then when the other girl calls, he changed his mind immediately.

Right before your face!!!

Boy, that IS a whole new experience.



Mister, you are not a normal person.

Weird does not begin to describe you.



At this age, you could be such a homewrecker when you're not being careful.

You know, I've had enough relationship drama for one lifetime, maybe two.

Officially off the market.

Devastated

十年了。

歷經各種身分的轉換

灑先生和小寶貝

鹿和章魚

倫倫和瑄瑄

廷廷和TT

小傻貓和大野狼

各種故事

各種心痛

每一次都用盡全力和生命

每一次都有所失去又有所收穫

認為只要改進了

只要對像不一樣了

總有一天.......

我沒有傷過人

所以雖然心碎但總仍能懷抱希望

總是認為走過了這麼多

下一次
該換我了吧

顯然是太樂觀了。

而且這次不一樣了

終究還是會被擊垮的吧

那最後一根稻草的重量

對現在的我來說太沉重

該何去何從呢...

該離開了吧。

Simplicity

Simplicity is all I ever needed.

My story always turns out to be anything but.

Nothing’s as it seemed.

When would the lesson be learned.

單純

❝他說呢什麼只愛你一個不讓你有藉口覺得不快樂❞

或許如果找不到一樣純粹的人

不如自己好好愛自己一回

我一直不是複雜的那一個

這次該學到的

不是更加武裝防備

而是更簡單純淨



過去十幾年

談感情像趕場

希望達到永遠

不求轟轟烈烈

卻總是患得患失

但平淡或許本來就是

在嘗過各種酸甜苦辣後

才懂得品嘗的回甘。



P.S.【油膩的Melo】也太符合現在的心境 哈哈

and Downs

所以說內傷很可怕

要走出被背叛的情緒一直都不容易

只能說上天殘忍地給了我不少試煉

卻又總是在最後一刻仁慈地將我拉住

不該再虐待自己了

我有絕對憤怒的權力

但我的內心也並不黑暗

黑暗的是那些強詞奪理、

打著崇高理想

行為卻背道而馳的人



之前為了類似的事件

我們失去了一個女性朋友

這次失去了未婚夫

其實要感謝這種女性

照妖鏡般的存在



從同性渣

兵變渣

到理直氣壯渣

本人也算是閱渣無數

阿彌陀佛。

UPs

Maybe I'm not that much in love as I believed.

Perhaps I just needed to take care of someone

to feel needed and wanted

to feel longed for.



That is not supposed to be the sole purpose of my existence.

Things need to change now.

I need to be taken care of first

before anyone else.

I am important.

I determine my own worth.

I make myself happy.



This is one of those UP moments.

Ups and Downs

Like being on a rollercoaster ride

Drastic ups and downs

Determined and reassured at some

Battered and miserable at others.



Blessed to be free and renewed

but also lost and feeling unwanted.

Still feel like it's all a bad joke

that tomorrow

maybe

it would be alright.



Nothing's right anymore.

Breath

that I will try.

But how do you fill a void

so large it swallows you whole?

Be Real Or Be Gone.

很厭惡這樣子的自以為是

把人一把推下深淵後

又在崖邊各種溫柔打氣

加油吶喊的嘴臉

拒絕這樣的假情假意

寧可在谷底掙扎奮鬥

也不願再抬頭仰望那片虛假

總有一天

我會靠著自己的力量

爬回巔峰

而這次

在那你無法觸及的彼岸

Single Newbie

30, newly single, D18.

Finally made peace with myself.

Such relief.

No more nightmares and nausea.



10 years.

Kept looking for a better half.

What if I'm already whole all this time?

What if I alone am enough?



Still tender with touch.

But never again.

Embrace and admire one's true self.

Even when no one else does.



Strangely,

during the process of losing a marriage,

one finds herself.



To my soulmate if you do exist:

我不知道此時我們是否已相遇，但我有壞消息告訴你，我不是一個完美的女人，不論你的荷爾蒙到時如何告訴你。愛一個人很辛苦，你愛上我的好也得愛上我的壞。當然，我也會無條件愛你的好與壞。我不求我們有完全一樣的興趣，不求我們要用完全一樣的方式看待這世界，但我希望你善良真誠。
我希望我們是彼此的伯樂，能理解尊重彼此的熱情，並包容我們的不同。我希望我們是朋友，不只是情人，因為志同道合在一起，而不只因為現實條件的適合。我希望我們都願意探索這個世界，想法都能靈活開闊，因為沒有什麼比畫地自限更可怕。
我希望我們都有過去、都受過傷，我們不用互相舔舐傷口卻因彼此而癒合，對於過去我們可以提可以不提，但不回首瞻望，只需要知道因為這樣不平順的旅程，才好不容易找到彼此。我相信我一定可以遇到你，而到時希望我們給彼此一個擁抱，告訴對方：這一路辛苦你了:)